


I Can't

by MarcelinaRose



Series: The Comphet Mishima Chronicles [1]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Closeted Mishima, Compulsive Heterosexuality, Denial of Feelings, Heteronormativity, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mishi baby stop lying to yourself, Nosebleed, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Someone help this kid out of the closet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:35:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25713652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarcelinaRose/pseuds/MarcelinaRose
Summary: Yuuki Mishima likes girls. At least he believes he does. He’s watched other boys blush and stutter around them for as long as he could remember. Yuuki could remember overhearing his classmates talking about going on dates and not exactly understanding. When he asked them about it, they only responded with “You’ll find out yourself” which didn’t help him at all. He’s even consulted Google, typing in questions like “how you feel when you like a girl” or “how to get girls to like you”. The answers he found were vague, but to him, they boiled down to a throbbing sensation in his chest that didn’t feel intrusive and a feeling of wanting to be closer to that person. The problem was Yuuki was already familiar with those emotions; he just didn’t feel them around girls.
Relationships: Kurusu Akira/Mishima Yuuki
Series: The Comphet Mishima Chronicles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1914211
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	I Can't

To the student body and faculty at Shujin Academy, Yuuki Mishima was a mere 2nd year until the Kamoshida case made him and the volleyball team the center of attention for the rest of April. To his classmates in 2-D, he was known as the shy kid who kept to himself and never seemed to speak unless a teacher asked him to. To Akira Kurusu and the rest of the Phantom Thieves, he was the founder of the Phantom Aficionado website and someone who they relied on quite often. Aside from the website, Yuuki himself thought he was a pretty normal kid. At least, he wanted to be a normal kid. He went to school, had friends, engaged in extracurricular activities, and did whatever teenager his age would do. So what was the problem?

There was something Yuuki would take to the grave, something he didn’t exactly understand himself. He wasn’t sure if he could confide in anyone else about it. While Sakamoto thought he was a bit weird, he was always willing to lend a helping hand, and Kurusu was a great listener. He would have even considered consulting Shiho before she transferred schools.

Yuuki Mishima likes girls. At least he believes he does. He’s watched other boys blush and stutter around them for as long as he could remember. Yuuki could remember overhearing his classmates talking about going on dates and not exactly understanding. When he asked them about it, they only responded with “You’ll find out yourself” which didn’t help him at all. He’s even consulted Google, typing in questions like “how you feel when you like a girl” or “how to get girls to like you”. The answers he found were vague, but to him, they boiled down to a throbbing sensation in his chest that didn’t feel intrusive and a feeling of wanting to be closer to that person. The problem was Yuuki was already familiar with those emotions; he just didn’t feel them around girls.

Yuuki couldn’t even focus on updating the Aficionado website without his thoughts plaguing him. The Phantom Thieves logo was plastered on the front of his laptop with comments from anonymous users scrolling at a breakneck pace on the screen. His phone was simultaneously exploding with notifications from said users, but Yuuki hadn’t bothered to turn them off or touch the device at all. He was too busy resting his head on his desk and watching the comments fly by without bothering to read them.

There had to be a reason why he felt his heart leap out of his chest when a boy talked to him instead of a girl. Maybe something was wrong with him. Maybe he hasn’t figured it out and he’ll have the feelings when he meets the right girl. Why is it only boys that make him feel this way? That’s not how it’s supposed to work, right?

Yuuki sat back and slouched in his chair with a pout. He threw his head back, releasing the aggravated sigh he’d been holding in for the past half hour and letting his eyes linger on the slow-moving ceiling fan. He hated being confused. He wanted to figure out exactly what was going on with him. It was rare for girls to talk to him anyway —not like he was popular enough— but when one did, it had the opposite effect of what he wanted. Instead of being flustered and shyly replying to whatever she said, he’d panic and stutter, hardly forming words because of his mind getting the better of him and assuming she was giving him an unwanted confession. But why? Why didn’t he want her to confess? Why was it unwanted?

This sort of thing also happened in movies and TV shows. The hero gets the girl, the prince saves the princess; that’s what Yuuki was used to seeing and how he put 2 and 2 together. That’s what’s supposed to happen, so why hasn’t it happened to him?

Yuuki tore his eyes away from the ceiling at the sound of a different ringtone coming from his phone, finally reaching over to turn off his notifications so he could see who it was that messaged him. He almost thought it was Shiho asking him how things were after she left and how he was doing, or it was a member of the volleyball team asking if he was going to the next meet. He wasn’t expecting it to be Kurusu of all people.

_[Kurusu: Ann and I are going to the diner to study for the test tomorrow. Do you wanna join us?]_

Somehow, seeing Kurusu’s name made his cheeks turn pink. Once he realized his face was heating up, a surge of guilt went through him. There it was again; that throbbing feeling of want sitting in his chest, his heart swelling and rising in his throat and beating so loudly in his ears, it drowned out the silence in the room. He hated it; he wanted it to stop. But he quickly responded with a quick _[Yes, I’ll be there]_ before grabbing the bag still filled with textbooks and notes from class and closing his laptop. He can worry about the website later once he’s put his thoughts together.

Kurusu’s face plagued him through the trip to Shibuya. Yuuki could only imagine what would happen when he saw the thief for real. But Takamaki was also joining them, so maybe it wouldn’t be so difficult. Maybe she could distract him for a moment and let him clear his head.

Yuuki just about fell over when the raven waved at him from a booth in the corner. Immediately, he tried to turn his attention to the blonde who still had her eyes firmly glued to the open notebook in front of her. Yuuki released a shaky sigh, swallowed the lump in his throat, and proceeded to step over to the duo. He figured he should be the first to speak. Yeah, that sounded about right. “I guess we’re in the same boat. None of us are feeling confident, huh?”

Takamaki lifted her head in surprise. “Oh, hey Mishima. Did Akira ask you to study with us?”

“I figured you might need a third hand.” Yuuki slid in the booth across from them and pulled out his notes and pencils. In Kurusu’s bag, he spotted that same black and white cat that’s been snuck inside his desk every day in class —he and Takamaki call it “Morgana”— peeking out and looking at the raven expectantly.

“The more people, the better,” Takamaki replied happily before turning to the thief next to her. “But Akira’s the one with the brains between the three of us. It might be more of him helping us than us helping each other.”

“It’s no big deal,” Kurusu waved it off. “I’d be a douchebag if I didn’t give my friends some sort of help.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right about that.”

Yuuki wished it was Takamaki’s laugh that made him feel warm.

He wished it was her smile that caused the butterflies in his stomach.

He wished it was her that made his palms sweat.

But it was Kurusu instead.

While the two were laughing, Yuuki couldn’t keep his eyes off of him. God, there was something about him that made him stare, and Yuuki didn’t know what it was. Maybe it was the mop of curls styled in a way only Kurusu could pull off and would look hideous on anyone else. Or it was because of the smoothness of his voice that caused his heart to melt. Or it was the way his glasses were perched perfectly on the bridge of his nose. Yuuki wouldn’t know how to act if Kurusu didn’t wear glasses completely; it would probably make him more attractive.

Wait, attractive? Did he find Kurusu attractive? Was that the throbbing feeling in his chest? No, that isn’t right. He’s supposed to find girls attractive, but why not? Why did he only feel these feelings for Kurusu and not Takamaki? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? But most of all, why didn’t it feel wrong?

“Mishima? Are you alright?”

Yuuki snapped out of thought when Kurusu called out to him. Both of his classmates had worried and confused glances. Yuuki realized his face was still red, and he quickly shook off the blush. “I-I’m fine,” He replied. “Just need some water, that’s all.”

“If you say so.” Yuuki released a relieved sigh and slouched in his seat as Kurusu called over a server to order some drinks. He pretended he didn’t see Morgana peering at him from under the table by turning back to his textbook as Takamaki twirled one of her pigtails lazily. Okay sure, he _might_ find Kurusu attractive, but he could definitely say the same thing about Takamaki. There isn’t a guy in their school who wouldn’t want to date her.

Except Yuuki is the one guy who wouldn’t date her.

Yuuki would have to be stupid to say Takamaki wasn’t cute, and she was attractive to whoever’s eye she caught. He didn’t like feeling like an outcast; he should be one of the boys trying to get her or any other member of the female student body to go out with him, but he wasn’t. He thought if he tagged along with Sakamoto to check out girls during the school trip to Hawaii, he could figure himself out; although, that was proven to be a terrible idea since Yuuki couldn’t keep his eyes off of him, but Sakamoto didn’t seem to notice. He thought he would figure it out when he talked to Futaba Sakura since they both shared a great interest in technology —even though she kept saying his name wrong— and the stammering and sputtering out of his mouth came from the confusion of the lack of a spark in him.

Surprisingly to him, their little study session went without any disaster. Yuuki spotted a white paw and heard a mewl from the bag every once in a while —somehow no one else tried to look for the supposed cat meowing away in the restaurant— and the water helped him cool off and focus more on the scribbles he made along the pages. However, the thought of seeing Kurusu without his glasses came to fruition when the raven temporarily took them off to rub the bridge of his nose. Yuuki swore he had died with how hot his face was steaming. Immediately, he stood up, quickly excused himself, and scurried to the bathroom in the back.

Once the door closed behind him, Yuuki released the breath he was holding in and looked at himself in the mirror. His face was still burning, and his blush reached down under the collar of his shirt. He dropped his head with a loud sigh. “God, why is this happening?” He groaned before returning his gaze to the reflection. “Okay, yeah Kurusu’s pretty good-looking. He could get any girl he wants without even trying. I mean, who _wouldn’t_ want to date him? He’s charming, smart, a good listener —hell he’s a great listener— and he’s so. . .” Yuuki trailed off, lost in his own thoughts as he rested an elbow on the sink, his eyes filling with affection. “Pretty. Like, really pretty. His skin looks really smooth. It’s like a cream color but not a disgusting shade or something. And his eyes look like a black void that you could get lost in, but it’s not a bad thing. I could stare at them all day. His lips look really soft too. I wonder how they feel.”

At those words, Yuuki blinked in surprise and snapped himself out of his trance. He shot up and held his face in his hands. “W-What the hell am I saying?” He blurted out. “Kurusu’s a guy! I can’t say these things about a boy! God, what would he think!?” Yuuki turned back to the mirror with a huff. “No, this is fine. This’ll pass. I like girls. I like girls. I like girls. I like—”

_Kurusu._

Yuuki shook his head despite his heart thumping so loud, he was sure his classmates could hear it outside. He had to calm down before facing them again. He took in a few deep breaths however shaky they were, but he couldn’t stop trembling, not with the leader of the Phantom Thieves still lingering in his mind. He couldn’t stop replaying Kurusu’s voice saying his name over and over in that tone that turns Yuuki’s legs into jello. Knowing he had to go back and face the raven made him mentally unprepared to hear his voice outside his head. He’ll say he’s not feeling well. That was a good enough excuse to not see him again for the rest of the night.

Once Yuuki pulled himself together, he exited the bathroom with shaky steps, swallowing the lump in his throat when he saw the back of Kurusu’s head. He padded back to the table, and before Takamaki could say anything to him, he started to gather his belongings. “Sorry to cut this short,” He apologized. “I’m feeling a bit light-headed.”

“I hope it’s nothing too serious.” Takamaki sounded worried.

“I’ll be okay,” Yuuki reassured her. “I’ll see you both tomorrow, and good luck on the test.”

“Same to you.” God, he could feel his heart exploding at the sound of Kurusu’s voice. He ignored the concerned gaze from Morgana and stepped towards the door with his bag in hand.

The second Yuuki returned home, he darted to his bedroom and almost slammed the door shut behind him. He threw himself on his bed, hiding his face in the pillow and holding onto it as tight as he could. He curled up, trying to force Kurusu’s voice out of his thoughts, trying not to imagine Kurusu running out of the diner after him, and especially trying not to imagine what would go down if Kurusu ended up in his bedroom.

His thoughts betrayed him. He could see himself sitting on the edge of his bed, staying silent and not looking Kurusu in the eye, but Kurusu was looking right at him. There would be silence between them with Yuuki not knowing what to say and Kurusu waiting for him to speak so he could respond. From the shadows, Yuuki could see Kurusu stepping closer to him. He could see Kurusu bending down in an attempt to face him at eye level. Kurusu’s fingers would brush against his chin and tilt his head up, and Yuuki would get lost in his eyes like he always did. Somehow, Kurusu would appear to be closer and closer, but Yuuki wouldn’t pull away. He would stay where he was as Kurusu’s hand slid up to cup his face, and the raven was close enough to where Yuuki could feel his breaths against his own lips. It would only take a second for Kurusu to press their lips together, but it would feel like an eternity.

Yuuki felt something wet on his pillow, and he lifted his face to see a streak of red in the middle caged by tear stains. Yuuki didn’t know when he started crying, but he looked in the mirror to see where the blood was coming from. He was blushing so hard, he ended up with a nosebleed. Yuuki scrambled off the bed, reaching for the tissue box on his desk and holding the flimsy paper to his nose. The thought of Kurusu going further and pushing him on the bed was enough for the tears to spill down his face again. He brought his knees to his chest with a choked sob. He’s not supposed to have these thoughts about Kurusu or any boy at that; he didn’t even know where they came from.

That familiar ringtone went off, and Yuuki peeked at his desk to see a text from the raven himself. He didn’t want to answer it; God, he didn’t even want to look at what Kurusu had to say. But not knowing would only make him anxious. Slowly, Yuuki reached over the counter, taking his phone in shaky fingers, and opening the message app, trying to see the text through his teary vision.

_[Kurusu: You left in a panic. Are you alright?]_

He hated making the raven worry, but it made him feel guilty. He couldn’t just up and tell Kurusu what was going on; they were close, but Yuuki didn’t think they were _that_ close.

_[Yuuki: Yeah, I’m feeling a little better. Sorry to worry you.]_

_[Kurusu: Don’t be. Just wanted to check up on you.]_

_[Yuuki: Thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow.]_

_[Kurusu: See you.]_

The phone clambered to the floor as Yuuki gave himself the chance to breathe. He didn’t make any movements to get out of the fetal position he was in, only holding himself tighter with his thoughts still running rampant.

Maybe replacing Kurusu with someone else would ease him. He began to think it was Takamaki with her hands all over him, but it only made him want to gag. He thought of Futaba, but the feeling never went away. He even thought of Shiho, Ms. Kawakami, any girl that came to mind, but it only made him sicker and sicker until he had the urge to vomit.

The girl that sat behind him in homeroom shifted into Sakamoto, and the nausea disappeared. It was replaced by a spark in his chest that flickered the longer the vision went on: Sakamoto’s hands dipped under his shirt as the kissing continued, and Yuuki was promptly pushed back on the bed. Sakamoto pulled away to leave wet kisses on his skin. Yuuki grabbed onto his shoulders just so he could have something to hold onto, shifting so he could give the other more room between his legs. When Yuuki looked down, instead of being faced with Sakamoto’s smirk, he was greeted with Kurusu’s poker face instead, and the spark in him flared and spread like wildfire.

Yuuki was shaking again. He had to grab another tissue cause his nose was bleeding so damn much, and the tears didn’t stop. He shook his head and muttered to himself, whispering “no” over and over like a song on repeat. He didn’t like what was happening; it scared him, and he didn’t know what to do. Watching Kurusu undress him in his mind was enough for him to want to be sick, but it felt right for some reason no matter what he wanted to say otherwise.

_I don’t like boys. I don’t like boys. I don’t like boys._

_I can’t like Kurusu._

**Author's Note:**

> Me @ Mishima when I see him ingame: Blink twice if you're suffering from comphet.
> 
> You can't convince me Mishima is straight. No straight kid tries that hard to get a girl to like them. Well, except Ryuji, but we all know that kid's straight as an arrow.
> 
> As someone who suffered from comphet before Kingdom Hearts slapped me in the face and told me otherwise, Mishima reminded me of myself albeit more extreme than how I handled it. So I put this together because god dammit if Atlus won't tackle his comphet buffoonery, I will.
> 
> Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarcelinaRose15  
> My asks are open: http://marcigray.tumblr.com/


End file.
